Reparenting My Inner Child: Why I Became a Therapist
Where It Started
We’re going back in time for this one, friends.
Circa 30-something years ago…
My parents weren’t able to give me a secure attachment.
They were kids – Just 19 and shouldering the weight of their own trauma and that of the generations before them.
Generational trauma is real. But we’ll talk about that another time.
What that means is that from early on, I didn’t always know if my needs would be met and/or by whom. This creates a sense of insecurity and uncertainty in a child.
Read my post about attachment and relationships to understand more about the attachment piece.
How I Learned to Earn Love
But ultimately, I learned really young that I was on my own in a lot of ways. My physical needs were typically met, thanks to my grandparents and other extended family. But emotionally, I learned that there was no space for my feelings, thoughts, needs, dreams – I learned that my job was to take up as little space as possible.
As I got older, I learned that the more independent I was, the less disappointed I could be because I needed people less. I learned that others were more impressed by me and appreciated me because I didn’t require anything of them. I learned that the better I was at “reading a room” (or person), the more control I had over my environment. This is because if I knew what the adult in the room was feeling before they did, I could do (fill in the blank) to keep them happy, prevent conflict, or even distract them.
I learned that if I was helpful and responsible, I would receive validation, respect, appreciation — love.
I won’t pretend this made me extremely agreeable, however. I’ve always been “spunky” to my core. By the time I was a teenager, I realized my childhood was not filled with being a kid and the adults around me didn’t act very grown up.
I stumbled my way through paving my own path – I made it through high school, navigated complicated family dynamics, found community wherever I could, figured out college and decided to “figure out student loans” later, and met some of my forever friends.
Proving My Worth
Then I moved to another country, continuing to prove that I could achieve my goals regardless of my background. I think a part of me was still trying to prove that I was valuable.
If I did something important with my life, it would make me worthy.
—What do you mean that didn’t work and I still couldn’t find community and still didn’t believe I was good enough and still managed to disappoint the people I loved most?! —
Sweet girl. Sometimes I wish I could be the parent she needed.
And in so many ways, I am.
The Year Everything Flipped
When I moved back to my hometown, my world flipped upside down. My grandmother died. I started grad school. And ya girl went to therapy.
I spent six years on Sheila’s couch… grieving the most important person in my life at the time, grieving the childhood I didn’t have, and rediscovering a relationship with myself. Shout out to Shelia :)
I learned about how my childhood didn’t just “make me strong” and how boundaries weren’t just about being tough. My childhood also gave me an anxious attachment style and hyper independence. And boundaries were meant to establish parameters for keeping me safe.
Six Years on the Couch
Every week. For six years. I cried and talked without apologizing (that took a while though). I learned that I was allowed to take up space and have feelings, even if they may inconvenience myself or others.
This process allowed me to validate my own trauma and pain. To be seen and validated by another person! And get to know that little girl inside of me who’s always been there.
Tell her that she’s magical and beautiful and funny.
Tell her that she’s always been enough. She’s always been deserving of love and support.
Something I often tell my clients who are working through trauma is that “you didn’t ask for this.” “You didn’t ask for this to happen to you.” “You didn’t choose this.” “You didn’t ask to be born!”
But you do get to choose where you go from here.
Reparenting Her
Growing up I needed to be strong and dependable and maybe a little scrappy.
As a grown up, I decided to face my story, my family, and the beliefs I had about both.
And then I chose to spend the rest of my life, re-parenting that little girl. Encouraging her to take up space, follow her dreams, ask for help, and be loved by others.
Therapists love to ask each other why they became therapists.
There are lots of great answers. Often the answers are something about helping people. And mine isn’t all that different.
She’s My Why
But really, she’s my why. That little girl who loved to laugh and sing and play.
I get to teach people every single day that they’ve always been enough. They’re not broken and they’re not defined by the roles they play.
I get to help people (see what I did there) rediscover their inner child and learn to love who they are.
Learn that healthy, supportive relationships are possible.
That creating a secure attachment style is possible!
That breaking cycles is doable!
I get to help people re-parent themselves and it’s my favorite thing in the whole freaking world.
This work of helping people find deeper connection with themselves and the ones they love continues to challenge me to do the same and that’s pretty special.
If you recognize yourself in that little girl — the one who learned to take up as little space as possible — you don't have to keep reparenting her alone. That's the work I get to do with people every day.
I provide anxiety therapy, relationship therapy for adults and couples, and grief counseling for adults in Colorado and Tennessee, as well as in-person therapy in Denver.
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Tori Brothers is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and National Certified Counselor (NCC) providing virtual therapy for adults and couples throughout Colorado and Tennessee as well as in-person services in Denver, Colorado. She specializes in anxiety, relationships, and grief.
