Grief Counseling: Understanding the Many Forms of Grief and How Therapy Can Help
Grief Changes Us. But You Weren't Prepared for How.
When most people think about grief, they think about death.
But grief is much bigger than that.
Grief is the emotional response to losing something or someone that mattered. Sometimes that loss is obvious. Other times, it's invisible to everyone except the person living it.
Maybe someone you love died, and people seem to think you should be "back to normal" by now.
Maybe your relationship ended, and while everyone else has moved on, you're still trying to understand how your life changed so dramatically. For many people, grief after a breakup also brings up old attachment wounds and relationship patterns that therapy can help address.
Maybe you're grieving infertility, a difficult diagnosis, a miscarriage, the loss of a pet, becoming an empty nester, or the future you imagined for yourself that never happened.
Maybe you moved away from the place that felt like home. Maybe your children grew up. Maybe you lost a job that gave you purpose. Maybe you've become estranged from a family member. Maybe you're grieving the version of yourself that existed before trauma, burnout, illness, or a major life transition.
Grief doesn't only show up after funerals.
It shows up whenever something meaningful is gone.
Yet many people don't recognize what they're experiencing as grief because no one has given them permission to call it that. Instead, they tell themselves they're being dramatic, too sensitive, or that they should just be grateful for what they still have.
But grief isn't measured by whether someone else thinks your loss is significant.
It's measured by what the loss meant to you.
What Grief Actually Feels Like
Grief rarely looks like what we expect. Truthfully, there are lots of resources available that try to help people understand grief. But every loss is unique.
Most people imagine sadness. While sadness is certainly part of grief, it's often accompanied by dozens of other emotions that can feel confusing or even contradictory. Sometimes grief doesn't just look like sadness. It can also show up as anxiety, constant worry, difficulty sleeping, or feeling like your nervous system is always on high alert.
You may notice that:
Interacting with other people feels exhausting.
Small talk feels meaningless.
Your sleep is disrupted or never feels restful.
You're tired all the time, even after doing very little.
You have less interest in activities or relationships you normally enjoy.
You keep replaying memories or conversations related to your loss.
You feel guilty for things you did or didn't say.
You feel angry, numb, relieved, lonely, anxious, or all of those emotions within the same day.
You can't stop thinking about the person, relationship, or future you've lost.
You feel disconnected from yourself or unsure who you are now.
Some days you might function well.
Other days, something as simple as hearing a song, passing a familiar place, or smelling a particular scent can bring everything rushing back. And I mean rushing. There’s a reason people love to use waves to describe grief.
This isn't a sign that you're doing grief "wrong."
This is grief doing what grief does.
It truly comes in waves rather than moving neatly through stages. It doesn't follow a predictable timeline, and it certainly doesn't disappear because enough time has passed.
Why We Feel Like We Should Be "Over It"
One of the hardest parts of grief isn't always the loss itself.
It's the pressure to stop grieving.
Our culture really struggles with grief. We celebrate resilience, productivity, and moving forward. We praise people for being "strong." Well-meaning friends ask if you're doing better. Coworkers expect life to return to normal. Family members may encourage you to focus on the positive.
Some people may truly expect you to be doing better. Others are simply uncomfortable with pain and are therefore afraid to engage with it.
Eventually, the messages become internal.
"I should be past this."
"Why can't I just move on?"
"It's been long enough."
"Other people have it worse."
But grief doesn't work on a deadline.
Losing someone or something meaningful changes your life. Of course it takes time to understand what that change means. Of course there are moments when the loss still catches you off guard months or even years later.
Healing isn't forgetting.
Healing is learning how to carry what happened without it carrying you every moment of every day.
Every Loss Has Its Own Story
One reason grief can feel so confusing is that every loss represents more than what happened on the surface.
You're rarely grieving just one thing.
When someone dies, you may also be grieving the conversations you'll never have, future milestones they'll miss, traditions that have changed, and the role they played in your life.
After a divorce or breakup, you may be grieving not only the relationship but also the future you imagined together, your sense of identity, shared routines, or the belief that this relationship would be different.
Infertility can bring grief for the life you pictured, the timing you expected, or the family you dreamed of creating.
A chronic illness or difficult diagnosis can bring grief for the version of yourself who had different plans, different energy, or a different sense of certainty.
If you’ve experienced trauma, you also experienced grief. You can have grief without trauma but there is no trauma without grief.
Even positive life changes can involve grief.
Starting a new career, becoming a parent, getting married, or moving to a new city often require letting go of another version of your life.
Grief and gratitude can exist together.
You can be thankful for where you are while still mourning what you've lost.
What We Do in Therapy
One of the first things we do is slow down.
Not because your grief needs to be analyzed immediately, but because you've probably spent a lot of energy trying to manage it, avoid it, explain it away, or convince yourself you're fine.
In therapy, you don't have to do that.
We begin by acknowledging what you're experiencing and how it's affecting your daily life.
Grief is painful.
It's disruptive.
It's frustrating.
Of course it is.
You get to feel however you feel without worrying whether it's the "right" emotion or whether someone else would understand it.
From there, we begin getting curious about your experience.
What did this person, relationship, dream, or chapter of your life represent?
What has changed because of this loss?
How has it affected the way you see yourself, other people, or your future?
Rather than rushing toward acceptance, we spend time understanding the meaning of what happened.
Because grief isn't just about what you've lost.
It's also about how that loss has reshaped your life.
Sometimes grief is connected to much older experiences. A current loss can awaken earlier experiences of abandonment, rejection, or emotional neglect that haven't fully healed.
Together, we make space for the emotions you've been carrying while also exploring what moving forward might look like—not by leaving your grief behind, but by allowing it to become part of your story instead of the entire story.
Therapy isn't about helping you forget.
It isn't about fixing your grief. Honestly, it doesn’t need fixing. Grief reminds us where there was love.
And it isn't about convincing you that everything happens for a reason. You won’t hear that from me.
It's about helping you integrate your loss into your life in a way that honors both what you've lost and who you're becoming.
What Healing Can Look Like
People sometimes worry that healing means they'll stop caring.
That if the pain becomes smaller, somehow the love will too.
But that's not how grief works.
The goal isn't to erase your grief.
The goal is to create enough room in your life that your grief isn't the only thing you can see.
Over time, many people notice that they can:
Talk about their loss without feeling completely overwhelmed.
Think about the future without feeling guilty.
Experience moments of joy without believing they've forgotten what mattered.
Remember the person, relationship, or season of life with warmth instead of only pain.
Feel both sadness and hope at the same time.
Reconnect with the people and activities that bring meaning to their lives.
Carry the loss without feeling consumed by it every day.
The grief may still be there.
Anniversaries may still be hard.
Certain memories may still bring tears.
Healing doesn't erase those moments.
It changes your relationship with them.
And those waves? They usually come less often.
You Don't Have to Figure This Out Alone. Grief is lonely enough.
Whether your loss happened six weeks ago or six years ago, your grief deserves care.
You don't have to earn support by proving your pain is big enough.
You don't have to compare your grief to someone else's.
And you don't have to keep pretending you're okay simply because life has continued moving around you.
Grief changes us.
But change doesn't have to mean you're stuck.
With support, it's possible to make sense of what you've experienced, reconnect with yourself, and begin building a life that includes both your loss and your future.
If you've been carrying your grief alone, therapy can offer a place where you don't have to explain why you're still hurting or justify why your loss matters.
Whether you're grieving the death of someone you love, the end of a relationship, infertility, illness, a major life transition, or another loss that has reshaped your world, you deserve space to process it.
I provide anxiety therapy,relationship counseling for adults and couples, and grief counseling for adults in Colorado and Tennessee, as well as in-person therapy in Denver.
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation today. Together, we can talk about what you're carrying, what healing might look like for you, and how therapy can help you move forward while honoring everything you've lost.
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Tori Brothers is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and National Certified Counselor (NCC) providing virtual therapy for adults and couples throughout Colorado and Tennessee as well as in-person services in Denver, Colorado. She specializes in anxiety, relationships, and grief.
